If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
--------Michael L.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
---------Wendell Johnson
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
--------Weinberg
My dick is so big, its a light fit when I'm bangin' your loose momma!
My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the summertime.
My dick is so big. I went to The Viper Room and
My dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman.
My dick is so big. I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.
My dick is so big. it won't return Spielberg's calls.
My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.
My dick has an elevator and a lobby.
My dick has better credit than I do.
My dick is so big. clowns climb out of it when I cum.
My dick is so big. it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.
My dick is so big. it has casters.
My dick is so big. I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.
My dick is so big. ships use it to find their way into the harbor.
My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.
My dick is so big. it lives next door.
My dick is so big. I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.
My dick is so big. it votes.
My dick is a better dresser than I am.
My dick is so big. it has a three-picture deal.
My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen My balls in pictures.
My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run.
My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.
No matter where I go, My dick always gets there first.
My dick takes longer lunches than I do.
My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the
Democratic National Committee.
My dick was once the ambassador to China.
1. Don`t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!
2. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
3. I cant make you want me, All I can do is stalk you and hope you give in.
4. You are so ugly that if you entered an ugly competition they`d say sorry no professionals.
5. I have the body of a God...too bad its Buddha.
6. Borrow money from pessimists - they dont expect it back.
7. Its better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that youre stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
8. I think... therefore I`m single.
9. A wise man once said, I don`t know, go ask a woman.
10. People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? - Jean Cocturan
Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the
priviledge
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Never start frowning because you never know who's falling in love
with your smile :-)
Always give 3 weeks notice when you quit. It gives you extra time to screw around.
If you need space join NASA!
If man could create the perfect woman, he'd probably cheat on her.
Don't judge a book by it's cover -- judge it by the movie.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. - George Burns
I'm knot dumb!
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. - Steven Wright
"Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually."
- Peter in Family Guy, Loaded Weapons
"I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it."
"Butter's in the fridge!"
- Peter and Quagmire in Family Guy, Viewer mail #1
"Good, I don't have to cook."
"Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty."
- Lois and Peter in From Method to Madness
"Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?"
"The same thing that always happens, she was an idiot."
- Peter and Brian in Brian Wallows and Peter Swallows
"By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins."
- Stewie in A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
"For me? Please?"
"All right, all right, but you owe me. Later, under the mistletoe, open mouth, no matter how drunk I am."
- Lois and Peter in A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
"You don't have to quit the force. I mean, you could get a desk job. Eh? You could be a desk."
- Peter in Ready, Willing and Disabled
"What's a library, dad?"
"Oh, it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM."
- Chris and Peter in Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?
"I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!"
"Good lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?"
- Robber and Stewie in To Live and Die in Dixie
"Are you gonna miss me?"
"Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler."
- Lois and Peter in A Fish Out of Water
"Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?"
"Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes."
- Brian and Peter in A Fish Out of Water
"Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside."
- Stewie in The Kiss Seen Around the World
"I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about."
- Peter in Lethal Weapons
"Everybody! Guess what I am?"
"Hmm, the end result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?"
- Meg and Stewie in And the Wiener is
"Here's to our wives! They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining, but, um ... y'know, I don't know where I'm going with this, but thanks anyway."
- Peter in One if by Clam, Two if by Sea
"Dad, what's the blow-hole for?"
"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."
- Chris and Peter in Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington
"Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk."
- Stewie in Brian Does Hollywood
"You're drunk again."
"No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking."
- Lois and Peter in Wasted Talent
"Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery."
- Peter in Wasted Talent
"Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different."
"Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells."
- Lois and Stewie in Story on Page 1
"He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good, like salt-water taffy or a Chunky."
- Cleveland in Wasted Talent
"See, Meg, things always work out if you just do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences."
- Peter in The Story on Page 1
"A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes."
- Peter in There's Something About Paulie
"I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal."
- Peter in Let's Go to the Hop
"I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection."
- Brian in Road to Rhode Island
"Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster."
- Stewie in I am Peter, Hear me Roar
"What's this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G ... oh, that's better than sex!"
- Stewie in Love Thy Trophy
Stewie, did you unhook mommy's bra?
- Lois in Brian in Love
"I don't take coupons from giant chickens, not after last time."
- Peter in DaBoom
"Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross and they are certainly not an enchanted forest."
- Lois in Holy Crap
"Your aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in hell, may she rest in peace."
- Peter in Peter, Peter Caviar Eater
"For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!"
- Stewie in Mind Over Murder
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Samuel Butler
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Tim Allen
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Billy Connolly
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
Jack Benny
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Garry Shandling
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
Jimmy Carter
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Dennis Miller
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.
George Bush
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
Paul Getty
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
David Letterman
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
Dan Rather
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
Bill Vaughan
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