If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
--------Michael L.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
---------Wendell Johnson
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
--------Weinberg
What a nice night for an evening.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
Prejudiced people are all alike.
Those who judge others will burn in Hell!
Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
There's no such thing as nonexistence.
Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
I always try to do things in chronological order.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Death to all fanatics!
An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Don't chew [or eat] with your mouth full.
It's deja vu all over again.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
Rehab is for quitters!
Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
Some people type so fast that forget to include
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous.
He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
I disagree with unanimity.
I have my doubts about disbelief.
Avoid Alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator... never got around to it.
Freedom of speech is overrated.
Here lies my wife, I bid her goodbye. She rests in peace and now so do I.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
Sir John Strange; Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
-- Tombstone in England
I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours.
-- Vermont
As the flowers are all made sweeter by the sunshine and the dew, So this old world is made brighter by the lives Of folks like you.
-- Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde)
Here lies Lester Moore; Four slugs from a .44; No Les No More.
-- Tombstone Arizona
John Brown is filling his last cavity.
-- Dentist's Tombstone
I told you that I was sick!
-- Georgia Cemetary, USA
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake; Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
-- Pennsylvania Tombstone, USA
Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me.
-- Tombstone in England
To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went.
-- Written on the tombstone in reply to one above
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
-- England Tombstone
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God.
-- Massachusetts Tombstone
Gone away, Owin' more than he could pay.
-- England
Alien tears will fill for him; Pity's long-broken ern. For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn.
-- Oscar Wilde's Tombstone
In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young.
In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up and no place to go.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast, pardon me for not rising.
In a Silver City, Nevada cemetery: Here lays Butch, we planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, but slow on the draw
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery: Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, dig 4 feet deep, and thou wilt find a penny
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here lies the body of our Anna. Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, but the skin of the thing that made her go.
Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England: Gone away owin' more than he could pay
Dear Departed brother Dave he chased a bear into a cave
Rest in Peace Cousin Huet we all know you didn't do it
I came into this world Without my consent And left in the same manner. Chattanooga, Tennessee
Here Lies Good Old Fred. Great big rock fell on his head.
Here lies a man named Zeke. Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek
Mary Weary Housewife. Dear Friends I am going where washing ain't done or cooking or sewing: Don't mourn for me now or weep for me never: For I go to do nothing forever and ever!
Here Lies Ned. There is nothing more to be said because we like to speak well of the dead.
Arthur C. Hoamn: Once I wasn't then I was. Now I ain't again
Bill Blake Was hanged by mistake
Here lies Clyde whose life was full until he tried to milk a bull
Sacred To The Remains of Jonathan Thompson A Pious Christian and Affectionate Husband. His disconsolate widow Continues to carry on His grocery business At the old stand on Main Street: Cheapest and best prices in town. Harwichport
Blown upward out of sight: He sought the leak by candlelight
Here beneath this pile of stones Lies all thats left of Sally Jones. Her name was Smith, not Jones, But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
The dust of Melantha Gribbling Swept up at last by the Great Housekeeper Woodville, England
Here lies a man who while he lived Was happy as a linnet. He always lied while on the earth And now he's lying in it.
Here lies Pa. Pa liked wimin. Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin. Here lies Pa.
Here lies Elizabeth, my wife for 47 years, and this is the first damn thing she ever done to oblige me. Streatham Churchyard, England
1796 -- WISE -- 1878 Here lies the body of Ephraim Wise. Safely tucked between his two wives. One was Tillie and the other Sue. Both were faithful, loyal, and true. By his request in ground that's hilly His coffin is set tilted toward Tillie.
Here lies the father of 29. He would have had more But he didn't have time. Moultrie, Georgia
On a spinster postmistress: Returned--Unopened. In a North Carolina cemetery
Here lies the body of John Round. Lost at sea and never found. Belturbet, Ireland
"My husband claims to be a great sexual athlete, just because he always comes first."
(Ellie Lane)
"The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: 'It's a girl.'"
(Shirley Chisholm)
"A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after."
(Gloria Steinem)
"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times."
(Sanskrit proverb)
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. ~Dave Barry
Women like silent men. They think they're listening. ~Marcel Achard, Quote, 4 November 1956
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece. ~Author Unknown
Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace. ~Marianne Williamson, "A Woman's Worth"
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~Bill Maher
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. ~Carrie Snow
You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping. ~Cindy Crawford
Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away. ~Laurence J. Peter
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~Author Unknown
A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. ~Arnold Haultain
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. ~Charlotte Whitton
Women are always beautiful. ~Ville Valo
The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy. ~Ellery Queen
Curve: The loveliest distance between two points. ~Mae West
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Nicole Hollander
Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ~Author Unknown
Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage. ~Jules Barbey d'Aurevilly
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. ~Chauncey Mitchell Depew
The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself. ~Elizabeth Metcalf
There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women. ~Madeleine K. Albright
A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. ~Oscar Wilde
There's something luxurious about having a girl light your cigarette. In fact, I got married once on account of that. ~Harold Robbins
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~Author Unknown
Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~Quentin Crisp
The most popular image of the female despite the exigencies of the clothing trade is all boobs and buttocks, a hallucinating sequence of parabolae and bulges. ~Germaine Greer
Whether they give or refuse, it delights women just the same to have been asked. ~Ovid
Howiver, I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men. ~George Eliot, "The Harvest Supper," Adam Bede
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. ~W.C. Fields
Women really do rule the world. They just haven't figured it out yet. When they do, and they will, we're all in big big trouble. ~"Doctor Leon," drleons.com
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man. ~George Meredith
Men who don't like girls with brains don't like girls. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
Women keep a special corner of their hearts for sins they have never committed. ~Cornelia Otis Skinner
Lovely female shapes are terrible complicators of the difficulties and dangers of this earthly life, especially for their owners. ~George du Maurier
Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right - instantly. ~Sam Slick (Thomas Chandler Haliburton)
The essence of life is the smile of round female bottoms, under the shadow of cosmic boredom. ~Guy de Maupassant
I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm. ~Ogden Nash
When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. ~Gail Sheehy
The torment that so many young women know, bound hand and foot by love and motherhood, without having forgotten their former dreams. ~Simone de Beauvoir
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. ~Author Unknown
Be to her virtues very kind,
Be to her faults a little blind.
~Matthew Prior
They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or some such bagatelle; but to me a modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation. ~Oliver Goldsmith
A highbrow is a man who has found something more interesting than women. ~Edgar Wallace
It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was really made from his funny bone. ~J.M. Barrie, What Every Woman Knows
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. ~Aristotle Onassis
Men will always delight in a woman whose voice is lined with velvet. ~Brendan Francis
Men really prefer reasonably attractive women; they go after the sensational ones to impress other men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I married beneath me - all women do. ~Nancy Astor, speech, Oldham, England, 1951
Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women. ~Elsa Schiaparelli
Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weakness. ~Marie de Vichy-Chamrond, Marquise du Deffand, Letters to Voltaire
If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments. ~Art Buchwald, 1974
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. ~Oscar Wilde
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1973
It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman. ~Alexandre Dumas, fils
I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four. ~Fred Allen
When a woman comes to her glass, she does not employ her time in making herself look more advantageously what she really is, but endeavours to be as much another creature as she possibly can. Whether this happens because they stay so long and attend their work so diligently that they forget the faces and persons which they first sat down with, or whatever it is, they seldom rise from the toilet the same woman they appeared when they began to dress. ~Joseph Addison
All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
A woman should soften but not weaken a man. ~Sigmund Freud
Women are in league with each other, a secret conspiracy of hearts and pheromones. ~Camille Paglia
When I glimpse the backs of women's knees I seem to hear the first movement of Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony. ~Author Unknown
A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~Author Unknown
If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody. ~J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye
No woman wants to see herself too clearly. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I prefer the word homemaker, because housewife always implies that there may be a wife someplace else. ~Bella Abzug
The basic Female body comes with the following accessories: garter belt, panti-girdle, crinoline, camisole, bustle, brassiere, stomacher, chemise, virgin zone, spike heels, nose ring, veil, kid gloves, fishnet stockings, fichu, bandeau, Merry Widow, weepers, chokers, barrettes, bangles, beads, lorgnette, feather boa, basic black, compact, Lycra stretch one-piece with modesty panel, designer peignoir, flannel nightie, lace teddy, bed, head. ~Margaret Atwood
Women go to beauty parlors for the unmussed look men hate. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
Women polish the silver and water the plants and wait to be really needed. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
You have to have the kind of body that doesn't need a girdle in order to get to pose in one. ~Carolyn Kenmore
There are women who do not like to cause suffering to many men at a time, and who prefer to concentrate on one man: These are the faithful women. ~Alfred Capus
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. ~Author Unknown
Physically, a man is a man for a much longer time than a woman is a woman. ~Honoré de Balzac, The Physiology of Marriage
The girls that are always easy on the eyes are never easy on the heart. ~Author Unknown
Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I've reached the age where competence is a turn-on. ~Billy Joel
A man gives many question marks, however, a woman is a whole mystery. ~Diana Stürm
In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on woman. ~Nancy Astor, My Two Countries
God did it on purpose so that we may love you men instead of laughing at you. ~Mrs Patrick Campbell, in reply to a male acquaintance who asked why women seem to have no sense of humor
Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson
A woman asks little of love: only that she be able to feel like a heroine. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. ~Helen Rowland
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason. ~Stanley Baldwin
I should like to know what is the proper function of women, if it is not to make reasons for husbands to stay at home, and still stronger reasons for bachelors to go out. ~George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss
Men look at themselves in mirrors. Women look for themselves. ~Elissa Melamed
If your husband expects you to laugh, do so; if he expects you to cry, don't; if you don't know what he expects, what are you doing married? ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
Women do not find it difficult nowadays to behave like men, but they often find it extremely difficult to behave like gentlemen. ~Compton Mackenzie, Literature in My Time, 1933
One is not born a woman, one becomes one. ~Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 1949
Let us leave the beautiful women to men with no imagination. ~Marcel Proust, Albertine disparue, 1925
Women deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of twenty-eight and forty. ~James Thurber, Time, 15 August 1960
Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater. ~Bette Davis, about Jayne Mansfield
A woman's whole life is a history of the affections. ~Washington Irving
The man's desire is for the woman; but the woman's desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man. ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge
After about 20 years of marriage, I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of that one. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate. ~Mel Gibson, about what women want
Women who make men talk better than they are accustomed to are always popular. ~E.V. Lucas
I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be. ~Benny Hill
A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares. ~Elbert Hubbard
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. ~Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"
The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. ~Robert Graves
What men desire is a virgin who is a whore. ~Edward Dahlbert
Women are afraid of mice and of murder, and of very little in between. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
A woman should be an illusion. ~Ian Fleming
There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. ~Stephen Stills
It is because of men that women dislike one another. ~Jean de La Bruyère, Characters, 1688
If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt. ~Thomas Carlyle
Women who feel naked without their lipstick are well over thirty. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
Women are like dogs really. They love like dogs, a little insistently. And they like to fetch and carry and come back wistfully after hard words, and learn rather easily to carry a basket. ~Mary Roberts Rinehart
It's the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time. ~Tallulah Bankhead
A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful. ~Karl Kraus
A man chases a woman until she catches him. ~American Proverb
Variability is one of the virtues of a woman. It avoids the crude requirement of polygamy. So long as you have one good wife you are sure to have a spiritual harem. ~G.K. Chesterton, Alarms and Discursions, 1910
Beauty is the first present Nature gives to women, and the first it takes away. ~Méré
Brains are an asset, if you hide them. ~Mae West
With men, as with women, the main struggle is between vanity and comfort; but with men, comfort often wins. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
Once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her. ~John Vanbrugh, The Relapse, 1696
Is it too much to ask that women be spared the daily struggle for superhuman beauty in order to offer it to the caresses of a subhumanly ugly mate? ~Germaine Greer, The Female Eunuch, 1970
A woman can look both moral and exciting... if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle. ~Edna Ferber
Women have very little idea of how much men hate them. ~Germaine Greer
Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak. ~William Shakespeare, As You Like It
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. ~Fran Lebowitz
You're booty-blinded. You know what that is? It's like being snow-blinded only it ain't no snow, it's a cute little piece of ass. ~From the movie I Spy
Men have been paying taco tax for centuries, millennia probably. ~Rick Claro
Women are never landlocked: they're always mere minutes away from the briny deep of tears. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
To get to a woman's heart, a man must first use his own. ~Mike Dobbertin, quoted in A 5th Portion of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention. ~Cornelia Otis Skinner, attributed
Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. ~Samuel Johnson
Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal. ~William Shakespeare
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. ~James Thurber
I hate women because they always know where things are. ~Voltaire
Good-looking girls break hearts, and goodhearted girls mend them. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman's weapon is her tongue. ~Hermione Gingold
The people I'm furious with are the women's liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket. ~Anita Loos, New York Times, 10 February 1974
Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember. ~Author Unknown
No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. ~H.L. Mencken
Dad ? Joseph asks if you are coming for my birthday..." Jesus
"You know, honey, the fulgurofist was a good idea, but the fulgurodick is just lame..." girlfriend of Goldorak, aka Grandizer aka Grendizer aka Goldrake
"Yeah, could you send me a temp for a replacement ? That would be for decembre 24th..." tired Santa Claus
"Hi mister seismologist, you bought a new boat ?" atlantis' mayor
"Hey : What a tide today !" atlantis' mayor
"I really have to pee..." sleeping beauty
"To be or not to be ?..." the teletoobies
"Hey, I just thought of something... Ho ho, it's gone now..." Averell Teletubbies
"Ivan ? Ohey !!!..." Invanhoe
"Look, it's the flute player going for a walk in the forest with the kids ! That's a nice guy, and not the kind to hold a grudge !" a Hamelin inhabitant
"Sorry Robert, but I don't get a word you're saying..." Collins
"Tell me again my Merry Men, we steal FROM the poor and give TO the rich, is that it this time ?..." Robin Hood
"So you're the famous Robin Hood, that takes from the poor and gives to the rich !... What, did I say something stupid ?" Maid Mariann
"Mister ? Hey, mister with the flute, there is a problem : I don't have my bathing suit..." a rat of Hamelin
"Penelope, my dear, it's me, I'm back !!!! (god, she has really aged...)" Ulysses
"But I love you very much also, Robin ! Why the long face ? Oooooh... Aooch..." Batman
"What the f... What's this boat, who are this guys ?!! Go away,goooo awaaay !! It's MY treasure, MY treasure !!!" the treasure island
"Lung cancer ? Why on earth would I get lung cancer ? Hoooooo...." the Marlboro cowboy
"Hi hi hi hi hi, stop that, you're tickling me!!" Terminator
"There you are, young man, your 5 pounds... So you owe me five...? Damn, this one also is asleep ??" the sandman
"I here to collect my pay of master of the world... What, only that ?!!!" Phiip the Phiip
"What is that Barby, Pokemon shit ? Okay, subscription to the rabbit for every kid !!" Santa Claus
"What did you get me, my dear little helpers ?... A new sack ?.. So I say to you Playstation, and what you hear is New Sack ?!!" Santa Claus
"Hi, dad ? It's about mom's alimony, we really need that, Joseph is broke again..." Jesus
"Sure honey, everything in me is bold, big, and brown!! You want to check ?" Mr Potatoe
"I'm done here, but I rest my case, you really should think about that mask thing I told you about..." the Masque de Fer's beautician
"Are the fish biting today, mister Schubert ? Someone is going to come home with an empty bag again, ha ha ha ha !!!!" the trout
"Oh, shit, I have a tree in the eye... Huuuuu... There it goes, damn trees !!" the cyclop
"Can you believe my wife offered me a flame-thrower ? Do you think I can try it here ?" the captain of the Hindenburg
"For Whom the Doorbell Rings ?... Hmmm... I'm not sure..." Ernest Hemingway
"Hmm, my love, I love you so much, I want to kiss... AOOCH !! Hey you silly bitch, can't you watch out with your damn horn, you're fucking goring me !!!" a unicorn
"And here you can see the compression of an hospital by Georges W. Bush..." Saddam Hussein
"A modern art sculpture ? Ho silly me who thought it could be some kind of bomb or something ! Again sorry mister Hussein..." an UNO inspector
"Someone's knocking at the door, probably an offer of peace..." chief of the tchetchen commando
"Coming up, honey ? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!" the stairs to the attic
"Okay, let's evacuate the hospitals people, Bush is going on chirurgical war again..." Saddam Hussein
"Your hair are really mutinous, but you'll get a great haircut anyway..." a bounty mutineer
"And when I drink too much, them whales become pink..." captain Achab
"God I'm late...Oh, and what's the point ? Let's make a break, have a beer, smoke something, and I'll get back to that later ..." the white rabbit (Alice's)
"What the ? Hooow, just leave me alone another hour..." the alarm clock
"Oh yesssss, your hand is SO warm, it feels so good, oh rub me again, oh yes, oh yes.. Hmmmm, click, oh yes, just click again, yeesssss, I'm comiiiing..." your computer's mouse
"Aooch !! Aoooch !! Hey, I didn't do anything, stop hitting me like that!!" the "enter" key
"And now, something completly the same..." the Monthy Pythons
"Oh no, let's get there by car, I'm sick of walking." Saint Jacques de Compostelle
"What is it today ? Green and slimmy ? Hierk, do I hate this shit job !!" a roll of toilet paper
"Heeelgloob, I gloob can't gloob gloob helgloob !!!.... Oooooops, I forgot I am a fish again..." a fish
"Sing in a Renault ? Well, if you think that's a good idea... Ohh, WITH Renault, the singer !!." Axelle Red (and not Vanessa Paradis !!)
"No spice for me, thanks. Gives me diarrhea everytime..." Paul "Muad'dib" Atréïdes (Dune)
"Hey, look at that ! A nice fan is giving me a knife ! How kind is that ?" Bertrand Delanoë (maire of Paris, has recently been stabbed by an homophobic guy)
"Josiane, will you please cancel my speech at the knives trowers convention ? Tell them I've become allergic..." Bertrand Delanoë
"Atchiaa !! Atchoo !! A... Atchhhhmm !!... It's the unicorns, get them out of the boat !!" Noë
"What the... Moïse, could you stop doing your stupid show while I'm walking on the sea ??" Jesus Christ
"Okay, so you're... the 40 sales representatives... Well, come in, I'll do some coffee." Ali Baba
"Okay, Reed Richards, what you need tio do is stop eating rubber, and everything will be back to normal in no time." Mr Fantastic's doctor
"What do you want again ? A story ? Oh no, mom worked all day long, she's too tired now, I'll turn on the TV." Sheherazade
"Usually, I give lotion for crabs, but I think I'll do yours with my chainsaw..." the Giant Man's doctor
"No, I'm not Hulk, I've got jaundice, that's all..." the sick Smurf
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!" a rain drop
"Aooch !! Aaaoooch !!! Aooch!! Aooch !!" a blade of grass under the rain
"Because your clitoris deserves it." Alain Mikli
"What do you mean, you can see everything ? Oh..." Tarzan
"Here, two uranium bars for 10 000 dollars. What, dangerous ? Of course not, what are you, a greeny or something ?..." the ex-manager of the AZF plant, Toulouse, France
"Is it me, or do I smell gas ?..." Maurice Papon
"Where am I, now ? Do you like it ? Why don't you answer ? Oh..." invisible man to invisible woman
"Maybe if I stop that daily beans thing..." Michelin's bibendum
"You cleaned the spider webs ? Noooo, I said everything but the spider webs !!" Peter Parker
"Bueno. Only 242 rooms left to clean, now." princess Cendrillon's cleaning lady
Gnnnnnnnnnn.... Gnnnnnn... Pfffff !" Bernardo to the mime Marceau
"I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll take my buldozer, and I'll blow your brick house in !! " the big bad wolf
"Well, straw is the material for the kings !! Bring me more straw and more beers, ha ha ha !! You can come here wolfy, and break your nose on my house !! " the first little pig
"Your straw house is so coool !! And me, like I'm stupid or something, I made mine of wood, not coool..." the second little piggy
"Fools !! Fools !! You don't know what you are doing, and now you are going to die !! You are damned, damned !!" the third little piggy
"I don't understand what happened, my plan was perfect !!" first little piggy
"If I get in the top ten of Top Web Comics, you might see funny quotes again... " Phiip the Phiip
"Ha ha ha ha ha, hierk hierk hierk, I think they might begin to notice something... Huierk hierk hierk !!" David Linch
"Gnnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiii !!!!" Jane Fonda
"The grapes of wrath ? Coool, I love grapes..." Henri Fonda
"Sniff sniff... Do I smell soap ? Who did wash himself ?!!!" Gengis Khan
"Well, I'm not really into apples, but if that means so much to you... " Adam
"Caïn ? Is that you ?" the eye (like in the Victor Hugo poem : "the Eye was in the grave, and he was watching Caïn...")
"A beach ? Now I have that urge to lay some eggs in the sand..." Donnatello, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
"A mouse ? Where ??" Minnie Mouse
"What is it ??... Two hundred meters of bandages ? You really shouldn't have done that...." the invisible man
"Ho ho... With a face like that, I think I just caught jaundice...." Homer Simpson
"Yeah ? Well, if I look like a faggot, then everybody on this ship looks like a faggot ! That's what happens when you dress up in tights." Spock
"What do you mean, you don't like YMCA ?" the camping manager
"Spiderman ? That's crap ! Which spider are we talking about anyway ?!!" the Black Widow
"I'll just write a quotes book, and forget about those regular books and stuff !!...." Georges Bernard Shaw
"A beach... Why do I have that urge to lay some eggs in the sand ?..." Donnatello, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
"A dwarf ? Where, where ?... Oh..." Dany de Vito
"I've got a name for the band : Windows 67, because we're in 67 !! Isn't that a great name, huh ?" Jim Morrison
"I don't want to go to that party, the U2's and the New Order's will be there and they're such loosers !" Depeche Mode
"I'm done, and it's number two !! Who'll wipe me ?" Steevy (french's Loft Story)
"Two bottles of shampoo for the price of one ? Finally, my dream HAS become true..." Yul Brynner
"Who put all our corn harvest in that hot oven, it's going to be all ruined!!! Aaaaaaaarghhh !!" Will Keith Kelloggs
"Groucho Marx ? Chicco Marx ? That's NOT funny." Ms Brothers
"Aooch, I've got a cavity !! I hope people won't notice...." the Cheschire Cat
"No sorry, I just have conjunctivitis, that's why I'm screwing my eyes up... What do you mean, stay like this ?" Clint Eastwood
"Rrrrrrrrrr... Pchhchchc... RROOO...Sniggrrllff, krrrr, krrrr... rrrrrrrhh..." Sleeping Beauty
"Damn, all those beautiful fruits are now ruined!... What can I do with squized fruits and that bag of sugar ?" Granma
"What do you mean, crabs ? Nooo... I won't think of it as a disease... more as a love story..." Eric Segal
"Moooom!! The kids at school are always calling my nose names, so I gave them all away to the teacher!!" Cyrano de Bergerac
"No sorry, I just have conjunctivitis, that's why I'm screwing my eyes up... What do you mean, stay like this ?" Clint Eastwood
"I like apples, or pears, but grapes just trigger my wrath!!" John Steinbeck
"I think I'll plane myself a chick. Yeah, a wooden chick for me..." Geppetho
"Mister Le Corbusier, I'm your biggest admirer, you really know how to humilate people..." Doctor Petiot
"You know son, I won't always be there to fish you out, so listen to me: building those "houses" like you do, that's your thing, not playing in the rivers..." Le Corbusier's dad
"Of course I'm winning..." the green she-bear
"Glasses ? God, my cheeks are going to be so happy !!" the cyclops
"Stunt time!! Okay... the toast goes toward the bowl of milk... and down... and... Damn!!" Jean Paul Belmondo 2002
"Some plastic bag in the grass, that can't be such a big deal..." Princess Mononoke
"My wife, my kids, compressed in a car accident... Mmmmh, compressed ?" Cesar (yes, the sculptor)
"I'll call this compression Family, and I'll sell it for 4 millions dollars." Cesar (still the sculptor)
"Hey guys, what's going on ? What are you doing ? Why is everyone jumping off... hey hey hey, comiiiiing!!" a Panurge's sheep
"Did you see that aviator, the way he looked at you? Like he's Saint something, so he thinks he's god!" a Panurge's sheep
"I promise you, if you don't succeed in flying, I'll try it after you in memorian." a Panurge's sheep
"Well, you can go play near that cliff, but no foolish stuff, okay?" Panurge
"Honey, I got that life insurance thing... Who's on the phone, Sitting ? Can you hand me the phone so I can say hi to that old bastard!" General Custer
"In a restaurant, I like the waitress best..." Hannibal Lecter
"Spend Christmas in Afganistan ? Yeah, sounds like fun!" John Mc Laine
"Aaaah... Aaaaaaaaah... ATCHAAAI !!!!! Damn, my nose..." the Sphynx
"Nice pyramid, but it would really look better if you move it just 100 feet to there." Keops
"Kids !!! Everyone calm down, or I'll invent school !!" Charlemagne
"A wax doll ? It's a stupid gift, mom, you can't play with that!" France Gall
"Driver, go left... No right! No stop, no go, go, no arrrrrgnhhh, can't do it!" François Hollande, leader of the french progessist party
"Look, look, I'm a penis ! Now you do what I say, and we'll have some fun..." a cloud
"My red norvegian shoes ? Strange..." Carl Perkins
"You see my son, never, just never gaze directly into the sun... Hey, stop crying, mom was kidding!!" a sunflower
"Barby, I'm going to have sex with you, as soon as I find my penis..." Ken
"Ken, touch my hand again ? Ooooh, I'm having an orgasm..." Barby
"I hope that cold will heal fast, I'm getting a little nasal here..." Donald Duck
"You're not funny, Moses, I also had something to show them, but I need the Red See to do it !" Jesus Christ
"Look at that, it's very funny, I alway have the impression that they're comming just at me... Look at this one!" the World Trade Center
"I'm working ? I'm working... I'm working!!!!! Oh oh, system ressources problem ? Sorry..." Windows Millenium Edition
"Now you miss me, don't you ? You miss me!! Perhaps I was only in black and white, but I worked !! Exactly, I worked!! Bastards..." DOS
"Here's your mail for today... Spam, spam, spam and spam... Oh ! A chain letter !" Outlook Express
"Hey ! Free software is not necessarily bullshit! Look at Linux!" Internet Explorer
"It's itching, itching, itching, aaaargnnnh !! That firewall is like a sieve!!..." _restore
"A naked woman ? Should I rather draw you someting more of your age, like a sheep ?" Antoine de Saint Exupery
"He really drew me a sheep! Jeez, I wanted a naked woman! Fucking aviator bastard..." the Little Prince
"What do you mean I have scoliosis?" the Pise tower
"An election film ? God I love fictions !! The Abstentionnist is my favorite of all times !!" Jean Marie Le Pen, 2010
"You know, Goebbels, I'm not sure about my style... Should I comb a big tuft of hair on my forehead, or put out one eye?" Adolf Hitler
"You voted for me ? That's just great, bye!!... Hey, Hans, what's that vote thing they keep talking about ?" Adolf Hitler
"Gnnnn... There's something coming up my ass, it's unbearable !" Marianne (french's Uncle Sam)
"You have a gift for me, Brutus ? Ooooh, a knife, what a great present !!" Julius Cesar
"Cesar, those that will be running salute... damn !! Dying, damnit, dying..." Spartacus
"You know, I have indian friends." General Custer
"That's not Bill Gates who should be a millionaire, that's me!" Rene Gates, the other's evil twin
"No, Jasmine, that's not the place to rub... Yes, a little down... That's it, rub it slowly, yessss..." Aladdin (or Alladin ? Alladdin ? Aladin ? whatever !)
"Bloob, bloob... gasp !!! Help, I'm drowning !!... Just joking." Flipper the Dolphin
"Rhett, you're a nice guy and all, but I don't understand what you're talking about : what exactly is gone with the wind??" Scarlett O'Hara
"My tongue was really hanging out. What, which side ?... Very funny, Mowgli, very funny..." Kaa
Did you know that you can get one quote in your mail every day ? You just need to subscribe to the rabbit, no strings whatsoever attached, and you get also the daily strip !
Try it now, it's really free !
I try it now, I !!
"Mom, look! when I rub cheese on my open wounds, it gets really nice red and fun!... Mom?" Joe Babybel
"Booooooohhh!! Mommyyyyyyy !!! Why do all my boats always sink?" the (to be) captain of the Titanic
"Excuse me m'am, why is Garcia always called before me?" Zorro
"Adolf, quit annoying little Joseph now !! That's ridiculous, you're loosing everytime... Excuse us, Ms Stalin." Ms Hitler
"Marylin, stop showing your underwear to everyone ! Nobody's interested, you know..." Ms Monroe
"Zzzzzzzzzzz..." a log
"Yes you're pretty, look at you, those colors, those tones, boy you're georgeous!" a picture
"Don't listen to them, nobody's greener on the other side, that fence stuff is just nonsense." a balde of grass
"Damn, moss again... I should do more rolling." a stone
"Quick, everybody behind me ! No, they won't see you, even if you are two thousands, it's an infallible trick." a tree
"No, no, it's not me you're looking for, it's Vasco de Gamma." Vasco de Omo
"My teeth hurt... Did anyone find the lemon box?Aooch... there we go, another one down..." Christopher Colombus
"The way of God... Hmm, okay, God... So, where's the G?." Indiana Jones
"I think I'll ask one of those penguins if he knows where the north pole exactly is...." Paul Emile Victor
"Looks like it was some kind of hospital... All those stiff necks... And the signs must be some kind of chinese stuff... yeah, that's it, chinese." Jean François Champollion
"Instead of throwing shit away, maybe I could sell it...." Ronald Mc Donald
"Roux, your father wants his rope and his pulley back. We have to undo your... thing." Combaluzier
"Black, you have a mental problem ! You have to stop drilling, or we'll get evicted from the building, and I'll leave you!." Decker
"White, forget about that dry piece of rag you're using, and look at what I just invented.." Spirit
"You what ? But I... I fuck you with... with... latex ! That's it, latex, got that ? Hey, latex..." Joe Durex
Hmmm... Did we tell you about that free subscription thing ? That you can get one funny quote in your mailbox from monday to friday, with that comic strip thing there also is on this site ?
You didn't check the comic strip ? Okay, here are some funny episodes ...
"Ok, I'm chosing, I'm chosing, it's okay... So I take the black no no no the red nooo the pink arrrgnnnhhh !!! I'll never make it !!" Julien Sorel
"No Juliette darling, we are not buying an Alfa, and you know perfectly why." Romeo
"My Sheila darling, you know I love you, but when we're off stage, please don't sing." Ringo
" Sorry Beauty, I never wanted to call you a dog..." Sebastian
"Listen Juliette, I promise you I won't be so touchy anymore, we'll just by a house in the suburbs and settle down..." Romeo
"Oh no, not St Valentine again!..." Casanova
" Hurry up, Tweety, or we'll miss our appointment with the orthophonist..." Sylvester
"I have a good and a bad news. The good one is that those swimming lesson are now open..." The Captain of the Titanic
"A thirteenth work ? Sorry, I finished my week..." Hercule
"Damn squirrel, you're really breaking my... Hey ?" Tchaïkovski
"Thongs ? Thank you I guess, Mom." Puss in Boots
"What... What is that white and red pile down the cliff?" Panurge
"I can just stick the torch under my elbow, In could turn the page..." The statue of Liberty
"King kong, tiny dick." Godzilla
"Hhhrrrr... Hhrrr... I think I have a plane's wing stuck in my throat. Where's the Maalox ?" King Kong
"What time did you say ?" Albert "Dr" Schweitzer
"Stop moving ! I can't paint under these conditions! Last-warning: the Demoiselles d'Avignon will look like nothing!!" Pablo Picasso
"Hmmmfff.. hmmmfff... hmmmmfff........... POOOF !!" The frog who wanted top be as big as the cow
"Yeah, put that in the box if you want... NOOOOOO!!! Not in the box!!!" Pandora
"Those are nice garter belts... That would be a cool change from these blue and red tights..." Superman
"Gesundheit? Ha ha ha ha,gesundheit, very funny..." Sneezy
What else is on that site ? Well, lots of stuff, really, it's a big huge very funny site.
You didn't find the quotes funny ?
...
Ho...
Well, if you DID find one or two quotes funny, you might like the daily strip or you can chose anything else on the site by following that link ...
"Gnnnh ! Gnnnnnnhiargh ! Damn, still no chocolate today..." The Venus of Milo
"Quite impressive, mister king Midas, but do you want to know how much I'm worth?" Steve Austin
"Should I grow a bearb or a mustache? Or maybe one of these goatees, goatees are nice..." Abraham Lincoln
"My nose is itching. And nobody around..." Atlas
"Glasses ? Well, thank you I guess." The Cyclop
"Hhhhhhhhh ! Hhhhhhhh ! Where is that damn asthm spray?" Darth Vador
"No ma'am, I'm no gynecologist and this is no echography. Please listen to me very carefully..." The Archangel Gabriel
"I love this job, Mister Vador pays well and the food is great" Independant worker on the Death Star
"Luke, we can't do that ! Think of all the independant workers!" Han Solo
"There's ONE thing that pisses me off, and that's jackstraws." Bruce "The Hulk" Banner
"I want to create an oil compagny, and I'll call it... Mississipico !!" Joe Texaco
"And I'd play a cowboy ? Why not a pigboy ! You're crazy, that will never work !!" John Wayne
"What are you saying, Tootsie's dress ? You mean... Let me have a look at that script again !!" Dustin Hoffman
"Yes, Guiseppe, one four seasons. Yes, Guiseppe, it's very funny, I'm laughing a lot." Vivaldi
"Captain, do you love me for myself or for my ears ?" Spock
"The what letters? But, that's stupid, I don't even own a windmill!" Alphonse Daudet
"Stupid, stupid, stupid multifunctions robot who won't even make a simple orange juice! I hate robots!" Isaac Asimov
"I'm warning you, if you call me little dicka third time!..." David
" Dear collegues, I want to talk to you about my last discov... Where am I?" Alois Alzheimer
"M... Mom! What are you doing with dad?" Sigmund Freud
Do you...
What ?
You hate it when people interrupt like that ?
You find it rude ?
Well, I couldn't agree with you more.
It's back to the quotes, then...
"No sugar lumps in my coffee. Personal reasons." Isis
"You know what, Romulus? We should build a town, and we would call it Reme." Remus
"I'm sure we can blow our noses somewhere else than in our fingers!" Joe Kleenex
"Georges ?... Are you looking for me? I'm hidding now." Osama bin Laden
"But mom, I am one of the greatest architects of all times, I'm the funder of modern architecture, I can't do a traditional house for y... Aouch! Okay, okay..." Le Corbusier
"Listen guy, stewed apples in the shoes wasn't a funny joke the first time, and it's not getting funnier now!" Isaac Newton
"What ? A camera ? Damn Santa Claus, I said I wanted a machine gun!" Robert Doisneau
"Of course, Thru Every Hole would be a sales hit, but I prefer the Sentimental Education." Gustave Flaubert
"No, you don't get a lawyer nor a fair trial, I get to decide if you were nice or not." Santa Klaus
"No general, I didn't mean to violate the afghan aerial space, I was just delivering... aoch!!" Santa Klaus
"Listen carefully, if he has a djellaba, even a furred one, and if he has a beard, even a white one, then he is a islamist! Throw him in jail!" George W. Bush
"No, I never heard of the captain Flam, and no, I am not from that planet. Suzanne Vega
"No, I swear I never slept with Madonna, we're just friends." Harry Potter
"Harry Potter and I, it's over now, we're just friends." Madonna
"Please, ma'am, hide those breasts I cannot see... Just joking." The marquis de Sade
"I will write the most annoying book ever, and call it... Ms Bovary." Gustave Flaubert
"Pi-pi... ca-ca... 'tcho !!!!" Pikachu
"So what you're telling me is that when THIS gets longer, you're not lying? Hmmm... And what was the second thing you wanted to tell me?" The Blue Fairy
"An ear folder? That's very funny. Who would have though dwarfs were so funny?" Dumbo
"My name is perhaps not so hot, but you're named Snow-white for Christ sake!" Grumpy
"Damn flu ! I swear that one day, my name will be synonymous with terror of the viruses!" Norton
"Want a piece of fly sandwich? Can't finish mine..." Spiderman
Okay, one last thing : the strip is not just one shot everyday, you've got stories going for like 5 or 10 or 15 episodes. So what you can do is check the stories title, and choose one you might like (lots of choice really).
And by the way, the only reason we want you to subscribe is for the writer and artist (!) to have an audience. We really won't try to take any money from you, you've got my word on this. Sooooooo
!!!
Thank you.
"No, I never said I take the key of the LEM because YOU were supposed to take the key of the LEM!" Neil Amstrong
"My thigh hurts... Must have injured it at the war..." Jupiter
"From the top of those pyramids, we could do some nice gliding..." Napoléon
"Your name is Black Coal ? And do you know what MY name is?" Snow-white
"Wicked mother in law, wicked mother in law, the is so petty, I have good sides you know, I" The wicked mother in law in Snow-white
"You know, I'm not really aiming for the grass..." Attila the Hun
"If I remember ? My memory is like an ele... No, I don't remember." Elephant Man
"Ha, ha, haaaaa..... ATCHIAA !!!!" The Etna
"Listen son, we'll play something funny: apple or cherry?" Guillaume Tell
"I'm really sorry for you, Milou, but as you can see, there are no chicks around here..." Tintin
"If we put bells on the pigeons, we could know when we have a message..." Graham Bell
"I'll take some peas, and two spons of that soup... hop, hop, top!" Gargantua
"Caramba, missed again !" George W. Bush
"No, what you feel is my flute" Pan
"No no no, I don't want to buy a raincoat, I want to buy an umbrella !" Mary Poppins
"You say you want to exchange a bottle of bleach for that only shoe? It's like a dream!" Cinderella
"Now I'm sure my theory is relative. At least I go on..." Albert Einstein
"Fly a planeover the Channel ? Are you crazy?" Louis Blériot
"An abacus ? that's original!... You're fired." Bill Gates
"I've been having this stiff neck for ages... If I could get rid of it defintively..." Danton
"Shit, no more paper" Gutemberg
What exactly is that propeller plane story I heard ? If you want to stay with us, you've gotta lose the attitude!" Joseph de Montgolfier
"Aouch, I burned my finger !... Just joking." E. T.
"I prefer pies. Can you make a pie ?" Eve
"Okay, since everybody forgot his bathing suit, here's what we're gonna do..." Moïse
"I drunk too much, my head is spinning... Hey, what did I say?" Galileo
"After the fight, I think I'll buy a farm in Little Big Horn, grow some tomatoes, lay in the sun..." General Custer
"Daddy, I know you want me to learn pistol shooting, but mom and I saw that macramé school..." Billy the Kid
"That's terrible, you never have fire when you need it!" Nicki Lauda
"So you waited thirty years to tell me it look like a "napkin""??bs??? Yasser Arafat
Now you know everything. If you liked what you read, I'd really appreciate a little
FEEDBACK.
Even five words.
No money, just words to keep the author motivated, that really is a pretty good deal, isn't it ?
So you can write there or there.
Thank you (again).
"All we nead is some rain, now!" General Custer
"I don't care, if nobody wants to buy me a kite, I'll do one myself!" Benjamin Franklin
"Yeah, wood is nice, but wax is so coool..." Icarus
"Woof, woof... Snifff... snifff ?... Aouch ! Kaï, kaï, kaï!!!" Lassie
"The alert exercise button, is it the green one, or the red one?" H. Simpsonovitch, head of security, Tchernobyl plant
"Put the ammonitrate there, on the floor, we'll take care of it later..." H. Simpsonovitch, head of security, AZT plant, Toulouse France
"What is this creeper strike story about?" Tarzan
"Satisfying the consumer is a priority to any worker" Karl Marx
"Hey, that kind of looks nice..." Michelangelo
"My ribs are scratching like hell !" Napoléon
"Yes, but I like Citizen Roger too" Orson Welles
"So THAT is a car..." Jeannie Longo
"the truck is slowing down, I'll pass easy." Coluche
"Really ? Can I come in the helicopter ?" Daniel Balavoine
" Wass sagst du ? Ich höre nitchevo." Beethoven
"I'm rusted or what ?" La Tour Eiffel
"You think I can't jump that mountain ?" Neil Amstrong
"C'est quoi cette histoire de caméras dont tout le monde parle?" Loanna
"What ?" Georges W. Bush
"I really needed vacations." Phiip
"Who's the funny guy who's running a bug-free version of windows? Want to ruin the trade or what ?" Bill Gates
"Jurassic Park IV ? He, THAT sounds good!" Steven Spielberg
"Listen, you won't teach me how to change a light bulb!" Claude François (to his bath duck)
"When this will be over, I think I will open a nice hat store." Davy Crockett (in Fort Alamo)
"You said it was a what tea?" Socrates
"Listen, I'm going to talk to the Indians. It's probably a misunderstanding." General Custer
"Grooomph !" Lucy
I hope you enjoyed that.
You can now continue your visit by going (or going back) to the home page, and check what you like...
Of course, you can also to the quotes and the strip.
And for the last time,
thank you for dropping by, it was a pleasure.
Some Words of Wisdom from British Politicians of the Conservative Party!
"Suicide is a real threat to health."
* Virginia Bottomley
"Anyone would think we were living on some island somewhere."
* George Walden
"It's not the future I'm talking about, I'm talking about tomorrow."
* John Gummer
"The trend in the rise in unemployment is downward."
* Gillian Shepherd
"The more important things, are more important, than the less important things."
* Stephen Dorrell
"When the IRA plant such bombs, it proves they can scare people, it proves they can kill people, it proves nothing."
* Peter Bottomley
"We said zero, and I think any statistician will tell you that... zero must mean plus or minus a few."
* William Waldegrave
"Who Sadam Hussein kills, dies."
* Jeffrey Archer
"There's no smoke without mud being flung around."
* Edwina Currie
"I will never forget the 1981, -- or was it 1982? -- honours list."
* Julian Critchley
"All those people who say that there will never be a Single European Currency are trying to forecast history."
* Kenneth Clark
"The British public sees with blinding clarity."
* Michael Heseltine
"You know what they say-don't get mad, get angry."
* Edwina Currie "We are not wholly an island, except geographically."
* John Major
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
A magazine recently ran a "dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.
Here are the top ten finalists:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it tes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
"Bitch set me up."
"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."
"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today
Issac Asimov
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
Cute Girl
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Emo Philips
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand
Bertrand Russell
I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country
Ian Rush
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Paris Hilton
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio
Josh Billings
I would give you a piece of my mine but I don’t have enough to spare.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be wise to: "Quit while you're ahead"? *
Funny Guy
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law
H. G. Wells
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success
Doug Larson
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying
Ed Furgol
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles
Unknown
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Funny Guy
Do you remember Crayola Crayons? They used to have this color...Blizzard
Pickup Lines
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Cool Quotes
WARNING: mental backup in progress.
Cool Sayings
I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad?
Cute Quotes
ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!
Cool Quotes
Only in America can a Vietnam Vet live in a cardboard box on the street and a draft dodger live in the White House.
Cool Sayings
Not Screaming And Yelling Like The Passengers In His Car
Cool Sayings
Sex is a misdemeanor . . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
Cool Sayings
It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.
Cute Sayings
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Albert Einstein
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Oscar Wilde
We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.
Oscar Wilde
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Oscar Wilde
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
Oscar Wilde
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
Oscar Wilde
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
Mark Twain
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Mark Twain
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein
And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room
Woody Allen
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
Ken Dodd
Its much easier 2 turn frienship in2 luv that it is 2 turn luv in2 friendship.
unknown
Inasmuch as the earth is 2/3 water and 1/3 land, it is clear that our time should be divided. 2/3 fishing and 1/3 work.
Funny Guy
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
Emo Philips
No amount of ability is of the slightest avail without honor
Andrew Carnegie
I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met!
Funny Guy
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but 'That's funny...’
Issac Asimov
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once
Bobby Kelton
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science
Albert Einstein
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people
Cute Girl
The miracle is this - the more we share, the more we have
Leonard Nimoy
The midfield is outnumbered numerically
Ron Atkinson
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Pickup Lines
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Pickup Lines
If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.
Pickup Lines
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning .
Pickup Lines
If you were a library book, I would check you out.
Pickup Lines
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Pickup Lines
If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Pickup Lines
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Cool Quotes
Condoms are easier to change than diapers!
Cool Quotes
If you were ice cream and I were hot chocolate I'd pour all my love onto you.
Pickup Lines
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen
Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
Arthur James Balfour
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
Art Buchwald
Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.
Art Buchwald
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people
Randy Gilbert
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk
Rita Rudner
To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went
tombstone
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
GrandPHA
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
GrandPHA
Chocolate. Coffee. Men.Some things are just better rich.
Funny Guy
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking
Jerry Seinfield
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Funny Guy
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Funny Guy
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
Funny Guy
One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual
Terry Pratchett
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors
Plato
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory
Rita Mae Brown
One of my movies was called "True Lies." It's what the Democrats should have called their convention
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Don't wish for it...work for it.
Cool Quotes
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Cute Quotes
Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.
Cool Quotes
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
Cool Sayings
I press charges
Cute Quotes
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Cool Quotes
Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Don’t Have Film.
Cool Quotes
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
Cute Quotes
Its not that i'm afraid to die. I just don't wanna be there when it happens.
Cute Sayings
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Cool Sayings
I'm an experienced woman; I've been around... well, alright, I might not've been around, but I've been... nearby.
Mary Richards
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx
When I was young I looked like Al Capone, but I lacked his compassion.
Oscar Levant
Once a make up my mind, I'm full of indecision.
Oscar Levant
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
Oscar Levant
The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
Oscar Levant
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Duran
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal
“If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.”
Lewis Carroll quotes (English Logician, Mathematician, Photographer and Novelist, especially remembered for Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. 1832-1898)
“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”
xFenderx Morrie Schwartz quotes
“If people are truly, madly, deeply in love with each other, they will find a way.”
“The best way to waste your life, ... is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don't participate.”
Chuck Palahniuk quotes (American freelance Journalist, Satirist and Novelist. b.1961)
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”
gabrielita
“The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.”
imsocarly Chuck Palahniuk quotes (American freelance Journalist, Satirist and Novelist. b.1961)
“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.”
Colin Raye quotes
“Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.”
meimei Tom Krause quotes ( motivational speaker, Teacher and Coach, b.1934)
“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?”
shutterfly125 Chuck Palahniuk quotes (American freelance Journalist, Satirist and Novelist. b.1961)
“Your heart is my piñata.”
silentinblue Chuck Palahniuk quotes
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
1. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." - Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001
2. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." - Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004
3. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
4. "There's no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world's worst weapons." - South Bend, Indiana, Sept. 5, 2002
5. "There's an old...saying in Tennessee...I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says Fool me once...(3 second pause)... Shame on...(4 second pause)...Shame on you....(6 second pause)...Fool me...Can't get fooled again." - Nashville, Tennessee, Sept. 17, 2002
6. "See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." - Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003
7. "The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the -- the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice." - Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003
8. "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend." - on visiting Denmark, Washington D.C., June 29, 2005
9. "Wow! Brazil is big." after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005
10. A TIE BETWEEN:
"Rarely is the question asked, 'Is our children learning'?" - Florence, S.C. Jan 11 2000
"The illiteracy level of our children are appalling." - Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004
Reading is the basics for all learning. - George W. Bush (Discussing his "Reading First" plan in Reston, Virginia, March 28, 2000)
My views are one that speaks to freedom. - George W. Bush (in Washington, D.C. on Jan. 29, 2004)
And it's a struggle between good and it's a struggle between evil. - George W. Bush in a speech (on terrorism) to the Cattle Industry Annual Convention and Trade Show at the Denver Convention Center (February 8, 2002)
We cannot let terrorists hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile. - George W. Bush (2000 in Des Moines, Iowa)
Our nation must come together to unite. - George W. Bush (June 4, 2001)
Will the highways on the Internet become more few? - George W. Bush (Concord, New Hampshire, January 29, 2000)
If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything! - George W. Bush (November 2, 2000 at Bellevue Community College)
I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. - George W. Bush (September 29, 2000 in Saginaw, Michigan)
I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family - George W. Bush (January 27, 2000 in New Hampshire)
This very week in 1989, there were protests in East Berlin and in Leipzig. By the end of that year, every communist dictatorship in Central America had collapsed. - George W. Bush (November 6, 2003 in Washington, D.C.)
Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream. - George W. Bush (October 2000)
I think we agree, the past is over. - George W. Bush (May 10, 2000)
"Please provide the date of your death." - from an IRS letter
"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes." - Richard (Dicky) Nixon
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" - Lee Iacocca
"A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on." - Samuel Goldwyn
Helpful Warnings: "CAUTION: Knife is very sharp. Keep out of children"
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman." - Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." - Correction notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." - Batman costume warning label
"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others." - Gerry Brown
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." - Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." - Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst
"Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything." - Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel
"I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents." - George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor
"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before."- Dwight Eisenhower
"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate." -- Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C.
"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again." -- Sen. Barbara Boxer, (D, Calif.)
"You read what Disraeli had to say. I don't remember what he said. He said something. He's no longer with us." -- Bob Dole
"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl." -- Marion Barry
"You can't just let nature run wild." -- Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska
"The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45." -- Mike Murphy, adviser to Lamar Alexander
"I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity." -- Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House
"I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?" -- President Bush, in a note to to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a U.N. Security Council meeting, September 14, 2005
I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. -- Groucho Marx (Duck Soup)
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work. -- Steve Martin (Bilko)
Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. -- Woody Allen (Annie Hall)
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I. -- Bill Murray (What about Bob)
You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater. -- Mike Myers (Austin Powers: Goldmember)
You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music -- Jim Carrey
Bastard Son of Barney! Die! Die, stuffed ball of fluff! Illegitimate Teletubbie! Die, you Muppet from hell! Die, you foam motherf**cker. -- Robin Williams (Death to Shmoochy)
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. -- Dan Aykroyd (The Blues Brothers)
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! -- Eddie Murphy (Shrek)
If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer!
(Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)
Lois: How would you like it if I made your life a living hell?
Ace: Well, Lois, I'm not quite ready for a relationship right now, but maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911?
(Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)
Pugsley: We're not shy!
Wednesday: We're contagious.
(The Addams Family)
Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
(The Addams Family Values)
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. - David Letterman
All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband. - Marie (When Harry Met Sally)
Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep.
The Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-heck-up! Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. You're in my world now, grandma.
(Happy Gilmore)
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. Carl Gustav Jung
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them. Alfred Adler
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand. Benny Hill
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity. Albert Einstein
Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercouse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. Mark Twain
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent. Socrates
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. Helen Rowland
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. Don Quinn
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. Mae West
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Oscar Wilde
My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. Lao Tsu
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. Billy Rose
A rich man's joke is always funny. Proverb
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. Cordel Hull
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. Dylan Thomas
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill
Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. William Shakespeare
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Oscar Wilde
There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. Benjamin Franklin
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde
I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde
To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times. Mark Twain
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. Arthur Block
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Albert Einstein
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. Franklin P. Jones
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. Richard Harkness
Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. Benito Mussolini
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it. Franklin P. Jones
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific. -- Jane Wagner
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake
when you make it again. F. P. Jones
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or
'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates
hemlock is poison.'???????" Socrates right before his death
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't. Erica Jong
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is
generally employed only by small children and large nations. David Friedman
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. W. C. Fields
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...' Isaac Asimov
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